Step 04

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

1. Primary principle(s): honesty, fearless, thoroughness, accountability, humility, courage
2. Other principles: simplicity, straightforwardness, activity, responsibility, consistency, trust, forgiveness, self-discipline, self-discovery, soul searching, forgiveness, neutrality, willingness

Readings:

• Big Book - pp. 63-71
• Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions - pp. 42-54
• “Indecision”, May 1950 AA Grapevine

In my early sobriety, I became engaged in AA by substituting activity (drama?) in AA for the majority of my life.  I went to a lot of AA meetings and socialized exclusively with folks in AA.  It was a wonderful, charmed time that I still cherish.

At about 5 years sober, the wheels fell off my life.  I found myself doing exactly the same insane behaviour that I’d watched myself do 20 years previously - still on my slide to my eventual alcoholic bottom.  It seemed as I had gone as far as the meetings, slogans, and fellowship in AA could take me.  I was desperate and devastated: it seemed the only solution was to drink or to die.

I guess it was with some humility I desperately asked member of Al-Anon to take me through the steps (the biggest “problem” I could identify in my life at that time was my relationship with another alcoholic).  She was the first sponsor I’d ever had that taught me how we work our steps - particularly step 4 - out of the Big Book.  In a real way, I owe her my life as she gave me the hope that the AA program of recovery could even work for me.

Shortly thereafter, I found an AA sponsor who had the experience and the patience to guide me through the steps and truly get down to “causes and conditions” of my character defects in my life.

Since that time, I’ve done a number of AA inventories.  I’ve been taught a method for accomplishing a 4th step that helps me get clear about my resentments, fears and conduct.  It’s clearly outlined in the Big Book but I would have never discovered this process without the help of sponsors who had done the process themselves.  I don’t worship the process or believe that mine is the “only” or the “right” way of doing this part of the steps.  I’m not critical of others’ experience and occasionally add or take away something in my methods as I learn and grow.

I love Bill’s writings on the 4th step in the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.  I think it’s perhaps his best and clearest writing.  The description of our character defects as “broken instincts” shows me exactly what I need to take inventory of and what needs to be changed in me as a result of this process - and why it takes the power of a loving God to overcome something I’ve tried so hard to eliminate in my life.

I often share with sponsees that my character defects express themselves similar to as if I were to place my finger in a candle flame on the table (we often have candles going while we’re talking) and leave my finger in that flame with the sure and certain knowledge that, if I just leave it in there long enough, it will stop hurting and get better.  I’ve completely replaced/set aside the instinct to recoil from a flame.

This process (including the 4th step) has always worked for me.  I am a different person today than I was when I showed up.  I thank God for that every moment of every day.

I think a lot of us understand from our various religious leanings before we get here the value of what some faiths term “confession”.

I think the underlying principles that make that a powerful ritual in many faiths involve honesty, integrity, and other facets of renewal of one’s spirit - the belief that one can face the truth and start anew.